The End of Lent

Today, as Easter, marks the end of Lent. This year, like most other years, I was did not make it the 40+ days without doing the thing I said I wouldn’t. It is funny to say that I just couldn’t go without dating, though. As if I just had this insatiable need to sit awkwardly at a restaurant and ask someone mundane questions about their siblings. But that wasn’t quite it. It just turned out to be the right time for things, and I had to decide if I wanted to go with that, or if I wanted to wait. Waiting just isn’t my thing, really. It was more than just my own shortcoming, though. Waiting for a bagel to toast is one thing. Waiting to start your life because you’re scared is another. I’m real tired of being scared.

I didn’t give up on the real goal though, and that was to really figure out what I bring to the table. What kind of partner I am. And also, be able to tell people where I want to fucking eat. (WHICH I DID! HA!) Now I get to put that into practice, and so far, it’s going well. There will be times it won’t. That doesn’t mean I’m failing, or I’m the worst, or whatever else, it just means I’m human. I always envision myself on this journey, with a clear beginning and end. At the end, everything is perfect. Everything is fixed, I’m whole, all that. But that’s not how this works. Nothing is ever perfect. And I’ve been whole this entire time.

Today is also April 1st, which marks the beginning of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Once again, I will be donning red lipstick all month in support. I still hate it. It’s still uncomfortable, it still brings me attention I’m not comfortable with, it still feels weird. But that’s why I keep doing it. This shit IS uncomfortable. It still needs attention brought to it, though. The #metoo movement was huge, and I’m so grateful. But there is still so far to go, which can’t be done if things are just shoved back under the rug where they’ve stayed for so long. I see those who are rolling their eyes and claiming this is just a trend. To them, I say, “do kindly fuck off”. It’s not a fad. It’s not the Newest Thing. It’s a real problem, and has been for… well basically since people started existing. Maybe we should change this shit up.

That’s pretty much it, just a little update. Still around, still ridiculous, still swearing profusely.

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Lent the good times roll

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. As a Methodist, we don’t really observe it the same way Catholics do. It’s not “required”, and if we do observe it, we can choose what to give up. Once I gave up Taco Bell, another year soda, and I even tried giving up swearing. I never made it a whole day. But I did try, for each of the 40 that are in the lenten season.

This year, I’m giving up dating.

There are many reasons why. First, it just isn’t going well. 2017 was not the year of the Mr. Kristina (that’s what I like to refer to my hypothetical future partner as. Because whoever they are, them finding that as hilarious as I do is key). My one official boyfriend for the year tried to cheat on me and suffocate me with a pillow in the same evening. Then dumped me because that was easier than dealing with his alcoholism. I then got ghosted by a grown-ass man in his 40s after dating for 2 1/2 months (if you don’t know what ghosting is, you’re probably a decent human! Or just fortunate. Either way, it’s when you just disappear, with no explanation, as if you’ve become a ghost and have blown away with the wind. Or something like that. It’s acceptable, not great but kind of understandable, after a date or two. More than that, and it’s just plain cowardice). I also went out with a whole bucket of creeps, from dudes who wrote sonnets about my left eye to those who felt like decidedly not raping someone was worth bragging about. There was also The Date I Don’t Talk About. Sometimes referred to as The Real, Real Bad Date. But I’ve said too much already. There were a few good dates in there, too, but most of those ended up in just a weird state of limbo, and after a while of having no idea what was going on, we just wandered away.

Also, I’ve lost focus on my own self. Personal growth is exhausting, just like regular growth. I rest a lot. When I’m not resting (or, ya know, working and doing normal adulty mom things) I distract myself from the hard stuff by scouring dating sites and attempting to use my wit and charm to lure Mr. Kristina in via text. I haven’t taken interest in my own hobbies for quite some time. I’d like to remedy that.

I also need to figure out what type of partner I am, as well as what I want in one. Since I have the tendency to just morph into what I think the other person wants me to be, I need to do that without outside influence for a bit.

I chose to do this during Lent because my faith has also taken a hit lately. It’s something I keep to myself for the most part, but it’s an important piece of who I am. I need to regain my balance there.

When I brought this all up to my therapist yesterday (have you found a good therapist yet? I hope so!) she was intrigued by the idea. Then, she suddenly shouted (alright, spoke at a normal volume. She never shouts. She’s like a small, insightful, caring cloud.) “I’m seeing something here! You WILL be dating… you will be in a committed, monogamous relationship… with yourself!”. It was brilliant. The plan I was looking for, to get from my decision to my goal. I need plans. Things like “Trials make you stronger” and “You need to go through this to grow” make good posters and such, but I need to know exactly how. I need a map. This was it.

Now, I’m spending the next 40 days wining and dining my damn self. I’m gonna show me a real good time. Who knows what kind of adventures await myself and I! It’s kind of exciting.

So that’s where I’m at right now. No dating people that aren’t me, no online profiles involving pictures of people with fish, no sex, no stalking the Missed Connections page on Craigslist, no flirting. In the event that I learn how. None of it. Cold turkey. It sounds tough, perhaps, but I think I will be ok.

As well as getting to go out and not having to worry about something being slipped in my drink by my date (I’d never do that to me. Or anyone), there are actually other things I’m looking forward to.

First, I have a creative new excuse for turning someone down. “Can I get your number?” “Uhhhhh, I gave up dating for Lent.” *awkward exit stage left* It’s brilliant. And it’s the truth!! Even better.

Also, I don’t have to shave my legs for over a month. I should’ve done this years ago.

From atop my lofty soapbox…

This is about religion. Let’s just get that shit out there now. Oh, also, there’s more swearing than normal. It’s been that kind of day.

Today on the rant docket: California lawyer Matt McLaughlin proposes an initiative making homosexuality punishable by death. OK, so he’s just proposing this initiative, but if he gets the number of signatures required, it has to be allowed on the ballot. I’m seriously doubting it’ll get that far, but weirder things have happened.

Basically, the “Sodomite Suppression Act” says that should someone be found touching someone of the same gender in a sexual way, they get shot in the head. Or banned from California for life. Why? Because he is looking out for the greater good, and doesn’t want all of us going down in flames, what with God hating the gays and all. Oh, and if the authorities don’t deal with offenders within a year from their sentencing, the general public can take it into their own hands and administer justice themselves.

(There’s a link in here where you can read the act itself. You should. It’s hilarious, in the bad way. http://www.npr.org/blogs/itsallpolitics/2015/03/24/395070728/calif-lawyer-proposes-ballot-initiative-to-kills-gays-and-lesbians )

Clearly this guy is a fucking assclown. There really isn’t one part of this initiative that makes logical sense. I’d like to think he’s just lol’ing it up somewhere, having successfully trolled everyone. But history has proven that people this idiotic do indeed exist, and can get law degrees, so let’s err on the side of caution. It’s just too much, though! Where do I start with the picking apart?? Since the material is overwhelmingly insane, random order it is.

Item 4: Sodomy and homosexuality are two different things. This initiative would put to death ANYONE who merely touches someone of their same gender with sexual intent. Meaning that drunken boob grab I shared with my bestie at the club 9 years ago (quick wave to Mom!) would have me staring down the business end of a shotgun. So it seems the name is just for dramatic effect, as it is just one of the many, many things you could be shot for if it passed. Neato!

Item 7: If the actual justice department doesn’t do their job quickly enough for Mr. All-The-Gays-Are-Out-To-Buttrape-Me, any old fuckhead on the street can shoot an offender. Yeah, there’s no way that could go wrong. Because people who would be okay with carrying out this sentencing would always use fair and balanced judgment. They wouldn’t just start shooting same-sex couples on the street, no. Because they’re good people. That’s why they’re shooting fellow humans in the first place.

Item 3: McLaughlin is concerned about the welfare of the world, which is why he’s doing this. Because we God-fearing folk shouldn’t have to pay for the sins of them there demon queers, so “it is better that the offenders should die”. Yes. That’s why option 2 is to ban them… from California. That is where all the good Christians are. Unfortunately for him, I’m pretty sure God doesn’t smite on a state-by-state basis.

Item 5: Sodomy is also called “buggery”? Really? When?

Item 6: Nobody can hold office, work in the public, or even GO in public if they are guilty of or support people who are guilty of these transgressions. Well no shit, they’ll all be dead. Unless they’re one of the 4 people that would ever be fined and sent to prison (let’s face it, everyone is getting shot.). But wait… would they go to a Californian prison? Because then they’d still BE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CALIFORNIA AND GOD WOULD STILL SEE THEM AND YOU’D ALL BURN FOR THEIR SINS! Also, you can’t just make the entire city of San Francisco obsolete. The world needs it.

Item 2: Murder is illegal, fuckhead. Also, God doesn’t like it either (but that’s not how we make laws, because we have separation of church and state, remember?). When he’s making his speech to Noah about how he’s not going to wipe out humankind anymore just because he’s a tad sensitive, he said that every human life should be accounted for, and whosoever sheds the blood of man is in huuuuuge fucking trouble.  (Gen. 9:6, MFKSV)

Item 1: OPEN A BIBLE ONE TIME, FOR THE ACTUAL LOVE OF GOD. God doesn’t mass-smite anymore. There was this whole ceremony, with a rainbow, commemorating it. It’s right there in the first book. You don’t have to read that far! Even in the case of Sodom and Gomorrah, the most-referenced city by assholes trying to make an insane point ever, he promised he’d spare the cities if he even found 10 worthy people. If McLaughlin doesn’t think all of California has 10 decent humans, who does he think is going to sign his initiative?

More than anything though, more than the moronic details of this all, is the thing that I want to yell at people like Matt McLaughlin constantly: Stop hiding behind God. Stop sullying the already pretty sullied name of religion. Be honest. Homosexuality scares you, and you don’t know how to deal. Why that is, whether it be denial of your true feelings or a past incident or what the fuck ever, isn’t for me to criticize you for. It also doesn’t matter.You don’t get to use your personal issues to try to condemn an entire group of people. People have tried in the past, and it has never gone well. You’re not saving ANYONE. You’re only doing harm. That is all. There is NO good that comes from this. But you know what there already is in the world? A whole heap of bad. Maybe instead of adding your shit to the top of the pile, you get a shovel and start figuring out how to make it better. You can even put God back in at that point, if you so please.

I am a religious person. I don’t flaunt it, push it on people, or even talk about it that much. Because this is what I get lumped with when I do. Also, because I don’t believe that alienating someone by trying to force my beliefs on them is what God intends. From my personal understanding, he intends us to love one another and take care of each other. Nowhere does he enlist his followers to end the lives of people they themselves deem offensive. You know why that is? Because all the gays, all the lesbians, all the transgenders, all the questioners, all the sodomistic propagators, all the allies, all the hetros who don’t like to shoot other people in the head, all the everyfuckingonenomatterwhat… we’re God’s children, too. Ask any parent if they’d let someone shoot their child for any reason, let alone for being who they are. Take the reaction you get, multiply it by the biggest number you can fathom, and imagine that much holy fire being rained down on your dumb ass for even thinking this bullshit up. Just imagine it though, because God would never actually do that. Rainbow, motherfucker.